Just Decide by Tanzman Tsgoyna

Author:Tanzman, Tsgoyna
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: XETROV
Published: 2022-02-08T00:00:00+00:00

My Personal Story

From about year twenty-six of my marriage and well into our thirtieth year together, our relationship began to have stress marks that turned into fractures that chipped away at anything that tied us together. Holding on felt more like an endurance contest than a marriage.

The long-term communication problems we had were further strained by the financial challenges of losing 75 percent of our income in 2008. My husband wasn’t responsible for this loss. His compensation and our life’s savings were largely based on the stock his company gave him, but this stock was restricted, meaning he couldn’t sell it even though it was plummeting. We just had to watch our net worth disintegrate. My then sixty-one-year-old husband’s management position was eliminated, and although he wasn’t fired, he didn’t have a job. Up till this point he’d done an excellent job of making investments and making sure our IRAs were growing. We had a cushion for this emergency, so we decided to stay in our home thinking our finances would improve, but after three years of draining our IRAs to make the house payments, we finally sold our home and moved into a rental that allowed my teenage daughter to complete high school with her friends. Apart from the stunning view, the rental was dilapidated and dysfunctional and a daily reminder (in my husband’s mind) of his financial collapse. He lapsed into several months of deep depression, with feelings of loss, shame, and a shaken faith in his skills and his future.

Eventually he genuinely overcame his limiting beliefs and cultivated a new idea for a partnership with two other colleagues. The creation process was fun, challenging, and a big investment of money, emotional commitment, and time. The partnership, however, eventually dissolved through a series of disagreements and failures among all parties to come to the same conclusion and understanding of events. This loss led to a longer, deeper level of depression, resistance, and an ever-widening gap between us.

My husband was truly hurting. He was loyal and committed to our relationship and to his self-expectation of being a provider for the family. My expectations for him were that he should view things more positively with hope and belief. I thought it wasn’t fair to live with someone who was depressed. I reasoned if only he would stop feeling guilt and shame he could find a way to create wealth and abundance. I had lots of ideas about what he should do and feel. In the meantime I gathered “evidence” of why our marriage was failing, why he wasn’t the right partner for me, why I had made the wrong choice, and why at the age of sixty I should consider leaving and getting “one last chance at life.” I’d convinced myself and my supportive friends that I deserved better and could be happier. I even went so far as to copy all of our financial statements without my husband’s knowledge, find a divorce attorney, and consult with others who’d gone through divorces.

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